Things coming to the surface

I started my midwifery studies and as I read through the materials and realize over and over how naive I was I begin to question my abilities. I begin to question myself as a mother. I begin to question my births... particularily my last birth. I begin to wonder if I'm only being a hypocrite now by advocating for homebirths when all my births were medical.

I love what I'm learning. I'm itching to get to a birth and experience these things that I'm studying first hand. None of it feels overwhelming and burdensome. I think I'm doing what I'm meant to do... but I'm doubting myself at the same time.

My Head is Swimming...

With anatomy terms and thoughts on the whole birthing process. It truly is an amazing physiological process. It's a wonder that people who know exactly how birth works physically for both the baby & the mother together still believe in evolution....

Anyway... I bit the bullet and started studying!! Here's the plan as it stands now:
Sept 09 ~ Started the book learning and portfolio building through Midwife To Be course.
Winter 09/10 ~ Started labs w/ local midwife
Fall 10 ~ Fly to NM and take midwifery assistant course through Mercy in Action
Winter 10/11 ~ Work under midewife as assistant
Summer/Fall 11 ~ Fly to Phillipines for 3+ weeks with Mercy in Action
Fall 12 ~ Have portfolio finished, clinicals finished, births completed & take the NARM.

I'm not sure if it's completely attainable with 5 children... but by Fall 2012 my youngest will be 4 & my oldest 11. I *MAY* try to go to the phillipines in Fall '12 and take the NARM in fall '13 instead if that's what it will take... but I don't want it to take me more than 4 years. Hopefully it won't..

Book Study

I found an online course called midwife to be. So I joined the yahoogroup that is associated with it & we've started a book study. Our first book is Ina May Gaskin's "Spiritual Midwifery". An interesting read to say the least. I have read it before, but am reading it with a fresh (i.e. not pregnant) mind. I am enjoying most of it, tho my Christian side cringes with all the "telepathic", "psychedlic", new-agey chat in there.

I will come back later and discuss some of my thoughts on this book.

Beautiful HBA2C

I just watched a beautiful HBA2C video. It brought me to tears for many different reasons.

http://vimeo.com/5648654

Becca's Frustration

I guess I need to accept the fact that you cannot change the minds of people who are determined that drugs are the best possible way to manage labor and delivery. I find this frustrating, especially when it comes to close friends. I feel as tho they are misinformed or uninformed and it makes me want to shake them and tell them that it is NOT the best possible birth for them or their baby.

But what can I say? All I can do is provide them with information and encouragment and they have to come to their own conclusions....

Becca's Ramblings About Career

I'm currently reading Diary of a Midwife. It's written by Juliana van Olphen-Fehr. I'm enjoying her philosophy and her candid way of writing. The book has really made me think about what seems normal in births these days vs. what is really best for the baby and the mother.

I've put my desired career on the back burner for now because I am staying home w/ the children and homeschooling them. IN Juliana's book she says she wants to encourage women that they can have a family & do their career. I'll have to go back and find the exact quote, but she stated that it's always sad to see a woman sacrifice her family for her career or a woman sacrifice her career for her family... she says there can be a balance.

That really got me thinking about my desired career... my life. I definitely sacrifice MY desires for my family, but I do think that is best for now. I plan to take baby steps to further my education so when the time comes I can go into midwifery school and career full on.

Introduction #2

I've been invited to join in on this blog by my friend because she knows how much I enjoy discussing the topic of birth. I am a mom 0f 3 and I stay at home to care for my children and home. We're also starting our adventure in homeschooling this year. Birth has always been a passion of mine and I hope to one day have a career as either a midwife or a midwife's assistant.

My Own Birth #5

When I got pregnant for my fifth child I had already completed my courses and was a certified doula. I was very excited about having a VBAC and insisted I would get one. I knew the statistics. I wanted a homebirth, but my husband was no long comfortable with that idea because of birth #2 and #4. He was worried about retained placenta again and malpresentation. He was worried about uterine rupture as well. So we decided that as long as they would allow VBAC I'd continue with my hospital midwives. It was during this time that I began to call them "medwives" more than "midwives."

I was put on partial bedrest from 33 weeks until 37 weeks due to contractions. They were worried that they would dialate me further.

On Oct 2nd.. my daughters 5th birthday... my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart, lasting 60+ seconds. I had to concentrate through them and was doing everything I could to promote labor. I planned to stay home as long as I possibly could. Mom came and got the older 4 children and I moved our mattress to the living room. I laid on the mattress watching FRIENDS and concentrating through contractions. By about 4 am I was exhausted and decided to go in. We arrived and I was dialated to a stretchy 4!! I was excited and disappointed, but we were all sure that this was it.

Hours and hours of laboring on a birth ball, pacing the hallways, etc. to no avail. I was tired and discouraged. Of course they couldn't do pitocin since I was doing a VBAC and while he offered to break my water I said no thanks... not yet. They checked me again and the impossible happened... I had gone from a stretchy 4 to barely a 1!!! I had heard of that happening, but was skeptical of it and didn't believe it was really possible. I was shocked and discouraged. My contrax were letting up and we went home. Needless to say I was a bit grumpy. Mom kept the kids for me a little longer so I could rest.

At my next check up we discovered that the baby was sideways... not full transverse, but her head was pointing towards my hip rather than my cervix. This is why no matter what I did that day my labor didn't progress and essentially stopped. They told me that it didn't look like I would be able to VBAC after all. I broke down and cried.

A c/s was scheduled for Oct 23rd. I did everything I could to try to get the baby in a different position... I researched and found things to try, positions to get in... everything. Nothing worked. So I threw myself into getting the best possible C/S that my hospital would allow. I told EVERYONE what I wanted. The Drs, the nurses, the anesthesiologist.... every one knew exactly what I wanted and said they'd do what they could do.

We arrived early on Oct 23rd. Mom came with us even though she knew she couldn't be present at the birth. The cesarean was quick again... Katie was born w/in 15 minutes and they brought her up to my head where I could touch and kiss her. Then they brought her to the warmer and out to the nursery while they finished the cesarean. Matt went with her as he did with all of them. I had requested to be allowed to stay awak while they were sewing me up... and they did. I had the best anesthesiologist this time. He did everythign I wanted and made sure that the Dr's and nurses did too. He made sure I got to touch Katie and see her before they wisked her away, he made sure to keep me awake and helped me w/ the shakes and nausea that is normal during a cesarean. I was so thankful for that because I was able to hold and nurse Katie as soon as I was in the little recovery room before being moved to the postpartum room.

I was very disappointed that I couldn't VBAC and never got to experience natural childbirth. I will never know what it's like to go start to finish completely natural and the way God intended it to be. I am thankful to have 5 healthy children in spite of my naivety with the first 3 and unability to have my last 2 in a way that I wanted and knew would be best. My life is now dedicated to raising them in the best way possible and to helping other women be informed to make good birthing choices.

My Own Birth #4

I should mention that my first 4 children were all born in different hospitals and in 3 different states. My first two sons were born in WI... one in Door County, the other in Green Bay. My first daughter was born in VT and my third son was born in New York. I found that all of the Drs, nurses and hospitals do things differently and have a different idea of pregnancy and birth.

In between baby's #3 and #4 we had 2 losses. They were both shocking and unexpected, as losses usually are. They depressed me but I still wanted a fourth so we kept going for it, tho with much apprehension. Pregnancy was never the same for me and was riddled w/ worries. During the losses we discovered that I have a bicornuate uterus which supposedly makes pregnancy and birth more challenging...

My fourth birth actually begins at 31 weeks of pregnancy. We had a normal Sunday morning, went to church and then came home to relax and enjoy the day. My Mom had just taught me to knit the week before so I was working on knitting the baby a blanket. I could feel contractions, but having had 3 children already I figured they were just braxton hicks. It wasn't until I realized they were coming in a pattern that I started to worry a little. I got up and walked around, drank a ton of water, peed a lot, layed down to nap, got up... everything that I could think of to see if they would stop, but they didn't. Soon they were 3 minutes apart and lasting for almost 60 seconds. We figured we'd better get it checked out. I figured they'd stop when we got to the hospital and make a liar out of me.

Mom arrived to watch the children for us and we took off. I didnt' pack a thing, figuring we'd just be sent home. I got the the hospital and was hooked up the monitors... sure enough. Every 2-3 minutes at this point and lasting at least 60 seconds. They checked my cervix and I was dialated to 2, but had a ton of bloody show. I could actually see the worry on the midwife's face. She called the OB/GYN in to talk with me. They gave me mag/sulf and a steroid to mature his lungs if need be. The mag/sulf is horrible stuff... It really made me loopy. I remember feeling very out of it and struggling to stay aware of my senses and what was going on around me. It didn't stop the contractions... and they decided to transfer me to a hospital with a NICU just in case. The hospital was 3 hrs away and it was storming that night, so they couldn't medivac me like they wanted to.

It was a long drive. I had a nurse who I was scared of at first. She seemed to mean and gruff, but it turned out to be a good thing. She yelled at the ambulance driver and his helper when they were talking on their cell phones and smoking while driving!! I was thankful for that... I was nervous and uncomfortable, strapped laying down to a stretching while contracting and so loopy and out of it.

We finally arrived in Albany and there I felt like a guinea pig. It's a teaching hospital in a large city so they had students coming in to check on me or observe. It was actually quite humilating to think of how many people wer ein there watching a vaginal exam performed on ME! I realize I could have kicked them out, but I really wasn't thinking about it... I was still pretty out of it because of the mag/sulf.

Finally my contractions slowed down and I ended up being sent home a few days later, but was put on strict bed rest. Bed rest with 3 little ones!! Thankfully my Mother was able to take the children during the week and they came home on the weekends. I stayed on bed rest for 5 weeks. I was finally able to get up at 36 weeks!! I was so thrilled!! We had discovered that the preterm labor was caused by my son being transverse breech. We tried a inversion, but he flipped right back and so a c/section was scheduled for July 20th.

On the morning of July 6th I went to visit a friend. I was almost constantly contracting from the time I got off bed rest, but was still on a medication to stop the contractions or to prevent them from doing much. Coupled with his malpresentation the contractions were annoying, but didn't do much as far dialating. The whole time I was at my friends house I felt 'off'. The contractions seemed stronger and to be honest, I was grumpy. I finally left her house around 1 and started to drive home. I was concentrating on the contractions so much that I almost rear-ended someone whiel driving. It was at that point that I decided to pull over and call my midwives, who told me to come in.

I got to the midwive's office and waited around for my husband. He walked in just as they called me into the back room. I was so glad he was there to watch the other children... I really didn't want them to come back with me. The midwife checked my cervix and said "Happy Birthday, Erich! Today's the day!" I was 5 cm with a buldging sack of water and she didn't want to send me home!

I was elated!!! But nervous. I'd never had a cesarean and I hadn't even had my pre-op appt yet! They quickly went over what to expect, but I still had no idea....

I really hated it when they put the spinal in. He poked me 7 times! 7 TIMES! It hurt and made me jump each time and he would scold me. Finally one took and I felt nothing. They called Matt in and the c/s began. With 10 minutes Erich was born.... they showed him to me over the top of the sheild. I tried to touch him and they all yelled at me. Then they took him off into the warmer and the nursery. I lost 2 hrs after that. I guess they put me to sleep fully... I don't know what happened, but I woke up in the recovery room. They brought Erich in his bassinette and when I asked to hold and nurse him they told me I had to wait until I was in my room. I started to cry and Mom said "She just wants to hold her baby!" They consented. Imagine?! They CONSENTED to me holding my OWN child. I was upset.

Finally I got into my room and was able to nurse him... I felt so sad that I had lost time with him. I found out later that they had given him sugar water in the nursery against my consent... I was angry about that as well.

I'm not sure what happened except that I had lost a lot of blood during his birth. The first time I got up to use the bathroom I almost passed out. I could barely walk still when it was time for me to leave the hospital. A walk down the hall left me exhausted and breathless. My midwife offered a blood transfusion. She said I had lost enough to get one, but I turned it down. I just felt uncomfortable with idea of someone else's blood in mine.

I spiraled into PPD again after this birth. It's not surprising considering all that happened. I did know what it was this time, but only tried natural methods to get rid of it. I wasn't comfortable putting medications into my body and my sons body as I was breastfeeding him. Looking back now I wish that I had in some ways. It probably would have helped me to feel better and enjoy his babyhood a little more.

This birth was so different and so completely out of my hands. I wish I knew the reason for his malpresentation or why he wouldn't flip during the inversion. THe cord was around his neck at birth, so perhaps that's why.... I'll never know for sure. We had wanted a homebirth this time around and had spoken with a homebirth midwife prior to finding out he was transverse. But it wasn't meant to be...

My Own Birth #3

It was the morning of October 2. We had another induction scheduled this morning for 6 am. This time I was 3 days overdue and my Dr was going on vacation. I had hoped to have had the baby before the induction date, but she just didn't want to come yet.

I called the hospital and they said not to come in yet because they were full, but to come in around 1 pm. So I went to Moms to drop off the boys. I helped her pick beets and I realized I was contracting! I continued to help her put up beets until it was time to leave.

We got the hospital at 1 and they immediately hooked me up and saw that I was indeed contracting every 4-5 minutes and they were lasting a good 60 seconds! How exciting! They still started pitocin at 3 pm as I hadn't progressed past 4 cm since I had come in. Since I was on pitocin they insisted on monitoring me constantly. My baby kept wiggling around and the monitor kept loosing her heart rate which would make alarms go off. Finally I asked them to please put on an internal monitor like I had for the boys so that I could at least move around. The contractions were coming on hard and strong by now and I desperately wanted to be able to walk, sway, move in any way I wanted to. This is what got me through the other 2 births so I knew it would help. They refused to allow me to have the internal monitor and insisted I lay on my back in bed!! I couldn't believe it....

Needless to say, laboring on your back is horrific and I ended up with an epidural around 7 pm. I just couldn't handle the pain while laying on my back. Things calmed down after the epidural. Mom arrived and she, Matt & I played games and watched reruns of the Andy Griffith Show and other old TV shows. Around 10:15 pm I felt pushy. I could feel pain in my pelvis on one side. I told the nurses that I thought the baby was ready to come, but they said "We have to wait for the Dr." An hour later he arrived and said I was right... it was time to push!

I started to push and she was born within 20 minutes. If I remember correctly it was only 4 pushes. My contractions always slow down when it comes time to push and they come about every 5 minutes at that point. Because of the epidural I could feel my daughter being born but couldn't feel the pain. It was the oddest sensation... I felt her body pass through mine, but had no pain with it. Again, i was able to reach down and pull her onto my chest immediately. I nursed her right away (something I hadn't done with the boys) and held her for hours before they took her away to weigh/measure her. I loved this special bonding time with her and cried tears of joy for being able to spend that time with my daughter.

This birth was amazing. Every ounce of natural childbirth advocate that I now have in me screams against this type of birth. There are SO many things that could have made this birth spiral in the wrong direction and end up with a cesarean. The pitocin, the epidural, the increased pitocin are all starters in that downward spiral to the operating room. None of that happened tho and I look back fondly at this birth... especially the moment of her birth.

My Own Birth #2

It was the morning of April 12th. My parents had come from VT to WI where Matt & I were living at the time. I desperately wanted them to be there for this birth so I had begged the Dr to induce me. Having gone through induction before I was actually more confident and relieved, thinking I knew what to expect w/ an induced birth vs. a natural one. It had only been 13 months and 4 days since my first birth and it was still pretty vivid in my mind.

We arrived at the hospital at 6 am. Mom had come and I was so happy to have her with me this time. They did paperwork, checked my cervix, which was already at a 3, did all the preliminary things and then started the pitocin. They started it out pretty slowly so it was easy to manage. I stayed on top of things until they broke my water. Then the contractions came on strongly and in intense waves. I relaxed and breathed through them. I worked on concentrating, breathing and relaxing through each wave. My Mom and Matt were both very helpful in keeping me calm and relaxed.

I honestly can't remember times with this birth... everything is kind of a blurr. Sometime in the evening the nurse came in and checked me and I was only at an 8. I asked for a shot of nubane to help me through transition and she marked it on my chart, but as she started to walk out the door my body took over and started pushing. It was the most intense feeling I have ever experienced and I was scared! It was as though I no longer had any control and my body was doing what it needed.... the nurse c hecked again and I had gone from 8 cm to a full 10 in seconds. She yelled "Don't PUSH!!" and called out the door for the Dr. I said "I CAN'T HELP IT!!!"

The Dr came rushing in and Nathan was born 2 pushes later. Again, he allowed me to reach down and pull Nathan up onto my chest. The nurses took him after a few minutes and then things went crazy. The Dr called for a curette. I had absolutely no idea what was going on except that it was excruciatingly painful. The Dr. yelled at the nurse, "Give her back the baby!GIVE HER THE BABY!!" I think he did this to distract me, but the pain was horrible. I yelled at him, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" to which he calmly replied "There is a bit of the placenta left, so I'm performing a D&C to get it out. All of sudden I felt liquid gushing from me. Literally gushing like a waterfall. I could hear it falling into the basin below me and I said "Did I just pee or is that blood". It was blood. Matt's face was turning white and I was trying not to freak out.

It was finally over. I was exhausted, sewn up and okay physically. I had a torn cervix and second degree tear in my perenium, but I was ok. It took me a while to recover from this birth and the months that followed pushed me into deep post partum depression.

As I look back over this birth I can see how I spiraled into depression afterwards. This birth did not leave me feeling strong and empowered. It left me feeling as though I had no control over what happened in that labor and delivery room. It wasn't until years later that I learned the dangers of pitocin induced labors and how many Drs try to hurry the third stage of labor by pulling on the cord. (which I knew he did, but thought was normal).

My Own Birth #1

It was our first baby, our first pregnancy. We thought we were prepared. We had read through "What to Expect When You're Expecting" after all... we had an OB/GYN who we trusted. We thought we knew what was going to happen.

On the morning of March 6th, 12 days before our EDD, I awoke early with contractions. Matt stayed close by as we timed them together and we found they were 10 minutes apart. They were mild, but never having experienced contractions before I was excited and sure 'this is it!'. I had a small cold, slight fever and was dehydrated. Had I known what I know now I would have stayed home, drank lots and slept.

Matt decided to go into work since they were mild, but planned to stay close by the phone just in case. I spent the day watching TV, sewing and timing contractions. By around 6 pm they were 5 minutes apart and lasting all of 40 seconds. Matt came home, we called the Dr who told us to come in.

We arrived at the hospital around 7 pm. I was 4 cm dialated and the Dr said "this is it!" I was checked in and labored through the night. Around 7:30 am, March 7th, the Dr came in and checked again and I was only dialated to 5 cm. I was a little disappointed, but didn't really know what to expect. The Dr. decided to break my water. He explained very little about it other than that it was speed up my labor. It definitely made my contractions more difficult, but labor still progressed slowly.

Sometime in the afternoon I was only dialated to 6 cm, so they decided to give me pitocin. Again, I knew little about it, but was told it would speed things up. The contrax came on hard and strong after that. To be honest I was so self involved I don't remember times after this. I know that I continued to labor through the night... Around 3 or 4 am my husband passed out on the bed from exhaustion. They offered stadol to help me rest a little and I said 'ok'. I knew very little about any of it....so I basically was a pawn in their hands.

6:20 am the Dr checks me again and said "IT's time!!" FINALLY... 48 hrs from the first real contraction that I felt and now I could push!! I was excited and scared. The phone rang... it was Mom. "Please pray for me! I'm ready to push" I said into the phone and heard her gentle reply that she would pray.

2 pushes and things were going well. I looked at Matt and saw the look on his face... a mixture of awe, worry and shock. I asked, "are you ok?" to which everyone in the room giggled at. "I've never heard that before!" one of the nurses quipped.

2 or 3 more pushes and the Dr said "Reach down and pull your son up". I reached down and put my hands under his arms for the first time. As I gently pulled him up to my chest he peed all over me and we all laughed. I was a mother! I felt amazing, strong, empowered and like I had just accomplished the most important thing of my life. I was up and showered, moving around w/in an hour and felt so wonderful.

Later, as I learn more about births and about that hospital/Dr I found I was one of the lucky ones. No one ever pushed epidural on me, no one suggested c/s to me (tho I found out later they were talking about it in the hallway), no one pushed me too much.... but they also did not inform me of all the repercussions that having your water broken, having pitocin or stadol could have on a mother and baby. I'm lucky we both came out of it healthy and strong with no repercussions at all.

About Me

I am a doula, a stay at home homeschooling Mom, a wife and will be studying midwifery as soon as I can. I have been reading a lot of different books about pregnancy, births and midwifery. As I'm reading these books I've been feeling like I need to write about my studies, my experiences and my life as a doula/midwife wanna be. :)

So here I am. I'm going to begin by writing my own birth stories....